The Loves and Addictions of Jaime Lannister
by Nelalila
Summary: Somehow, Jaime had always had a feeling that his sinful love for Cersei would eventually lead to his demise, but he wouldn't let Brienne get torn down with him too.
1. One

_Author's note:_

_This will be a canon compliant 3 or 4 chapter story about why Jaime left Winterfell and what might have happened between the scenes we did get to see. I actually started writing this for myself, hoping it would help me overcome the disappointment I had felt after watching the last two and a half episodes, but maybe it will help others too. The writing didn't make a lot of sense to me and I think more people would have accepted Jaime's eventual fate more if we had had more scenes or episodes._

_I've never really written fanfiction before, just two chapters of a HP story I've given up on, and I'm not an English native speaker, so I hope this isn't unbearable to read. I'm open to any suggestions to improve my writing though :)_

_I'm staying true to the scenes and dialog of episode 4 and episode 5, so I guess this can be considered canon, but I'm ignoring parts of what D&D and Nikolaj said in interviews because it just doesn't make a lot of sense considering what had happened in the last few seasons and especially during Season 8 Episodes 2 to 4. The reunion with Cersei didn't really seem "romantic" for me, only kinda poetic and tragic. Meaning, this is more J/B than J/C._

_I'm not sure whether this was done by anyone else before, if yes, I don't want to copy anybody's work and I apologize if this is the case. I really wanted to do this for myself in the first place, but of course I'm happy if anyone else likes it too. I admit it is a lot of "blabber" though :')_

* * *

Jaime had never wanted to hurt her. Seeing Brienne cry hurt him more than he could have ever imagined. Even though they had been so close and intimate over the past few weeks he had never seen her crying or getting emotional like this. He wished that he could stay with her, just like she begged him to. He had hoped that she wouldn't wake up and while it certainly wouldn't have been fair to leave her in the middle of the night without any words of goodbye it would have made it a lot easier for him to go. Now there she was, crying and begging him to stay with her. When she had touched his face, Jaime had felt something crumble inside him. Absentmindedly, he had reached up with his good hand to stroke the hand rested on his left cheek with his thumb like he had done so many times now.

The words Brienne had mouthed right when she had grasped his face were still ringing in his ears. She had stated that she wasn't like his sister, that he was better than her and that he was a good man. It was obvious Brienne really believed that Jaime was a decent person.

Pictures, the same ones that had been haunting him for months and even years, flashed before Jaime's eyes. He saw a glimpse of all the terrible things he had done in his life. Most of them had been justified in a way or at least had happened during a war, but others couldn't be excused by any means. He had tried to become a better man but had to eventually realize that he had failed. Nothing could ever undo what he had done. And then there was Cersei… he had often thought about her after he had left King's Landing about two months ago but during the last few weeks it had become less frequent. Though after what he had heard today, he couldn't pretend that she didn't exist anymore…

One part of Jaime knew that Cersei wasn't all evil and that he would never want her to be executed, especially alone and without him by her side, but the other part of him was painfully aware that she was also monster who deserved to die as much as he did. A monster he had – unintentionally or deliberately - concurred to create all his life. As long as she was queen the war would not come to an end. She even sent Bronn to assassinate her brothers. Even though Bronn had risked his own life for Jaime more than once, Jaime actually considered him a threat, not just to him, but also to Brienne, if she might be considered to be one of Daenerys' top generals. Needless to say, if Cersei found out about him and Brienne, they would never be able to live a peaceful life. A life Jaime didn't think he ever deserved, but Brienne did. Then there was Tyrion, hand Cersei's sworn enemy and at the moment greatly endangered of being killed in the upcoming war.

No matter who would end up on the Iron Throne, either Cersei or Daenerys would die, unless, maybe, Cersei surrendered. But Jaime knew his sister better than anyone. The chances of her surrendering and giving up her home and everything she had not even dared to hope for were almost none existent, especially now that only one dragon was left. The odds were more in Cersei's favor now than ever before, or at least she would be convinced they were.

After what Jaime had seen during the Battle of the Goldroad and the Battle of Winterfell he would have never thought that Daenerys could have any chance of losing the war over the Iron Throne. However, Daenerys had suffered many losses in the Long Night and now she had lost her second dragon and Missandei, who, according to Brienne, seemed to have been an important advisor to the Dragon Queen. Now that Cersei's chances to win had increased drastically, Daenerys wouldn't stand by and give up easily; Jaime was sure of it. Was unsettled him was, that he might be the only one to be totally aware of what was at stake right now. He had seen what Daenerys had done to the Lannister army, he had seen Cersei blow up the citadel, he was the only one – besides Brienne – who knew about the stackings of wildfire in the tunnels of King's Landing… If the Dragon Queen attacked King's Landing with her last dragon or if Cersei blew up the wildfires like Aery's had once planned, it would lead to an unimaginable disaster. Therefore, Jaime had to do something. He had never stayed away from a fight and while he couldn't envision himself fighting for any specific side in the upcoming battle for various reasons, he knew he couldn't stay here in the North and pretend he didn't care or that everything was all fine. The only way to avoid a catastrophe and the deaths of thousands of innocent people was for Cersei to surrender before everything got blown apart... Even if it meant he had to do the unthinkable, something he didn't even dare to think about right now.

One thing Jaime knew for sure though… if he went South, he wouldn't survive. If he didn't die in the highly possible attack, either Daenerys or one of Cersei's guards would kill him after it was all over. This was why he had wished that Brienne wouldn't wake up. She knew what fat awaited him and he totally feared that she would want to come with him.

"You think I'm a good man?", Jaime asked and gently put Brienne's hand down. His vision clouded as he looked deeply into Brienne's beautiful sapphire-colored eyes. She was too good for this world, especially for him. He didn't deserve her and he almost hated himself for doing this to her more than he had ever hated himself for anything else.

"I pushed a boy out of a tower window, crippled him for life… for Cersei. I strangled my own cousin with my own hands, just to get back to Cersei."  
Brienne had to understand that his biggest flaw had always been the love for his sister. If it weren't for her, he might have had a chance of becoming a more decent person. Many lives could have been spared if he had been stronger in the past. Somehow, Jaime had always had a feeling that his sinful love for Cersei would eventually lead to his demise, but he wouldn't let Brienne get torn down with him too.  
"I would have killed every man, woman and child in Riverrun, for Cersei."  
This was only partly true. He had sworn an oath to Catelyn Stark to never fight any Stark or Tully ever again and therefore he had tried to threaten Edmure Tully with similar words, hoping it would get him to convince the Blackfish to surrender. Although, if his plan hadn't worked, Jaime wouldn't have had any other choice than to attack the castle, which would have inevitably led to the deaths of at least a few civilians.

Brienne was crying harder now and Jaime felt his voice crack.  
"She is hateful…. and so am I."  
If he weren't, he wouldn't be able to hurt and leave her like this, would he?

Jaime turned his back on the woman he had loved for way longer than he had realized and climbed onto his horse's back. Listening to Brienne's now desperate sobbing took all of his willpower to not climb down again and embrace her closely. It hurt so much… but Brienne couldn't come with him, he didn't want her to die. Not because of a hateful fool like him.

As soon as Jaime had crossed through the gate of Winterfell, he couldn't hold back his own tears anymore. He had never wished more desperately that he had been killed during the Long Night than right now.

.

It took Jaime a little more than two weeks to get to the outer rims of King's Landing. He had hardly stopped to eat and sleep and had only done it when his horse was too exhausted and in danger of dying if he urged it to go further. He had hardly met people on his way, also because he was keeping off the Kingsroad whenever he could avoid it and rode around crossings known for bearing trouble. The closer he got to King's Landing the more unnerving he had become. Would he be too late? Had the city been destroyed already? Were Cersei and Tyrion still alive? He had tried not to think of Brienne but she hunted him like a ghost. More than once he asked himself if he had made the right decision, but deep down he knew that he would have never felt peace with himself if he had stayed. He didn't deserve to live a normal life with Brienne and if Cersei won the war, they wouldn't be safe anyway. If Daenerys won… she had tolerated him in the Battle of Winterfell and both she and Sansa had been okay with letting him stay in Winterfell, but only for the time until the war was won. If Daenerys succeeded in taking the throne, Jaime wasn't sure whether she might not change her mind and execute him for killing her father after all.

Jaime knew that he couldn't head straight for the gate since there was no way he wouldn't be seen from either Cersei's or Daenerys' army. His only chance was taking one of the small side entrances reserved for farmers, merchants and the inhabitants of the city. He wouldn't be able to get through it undetected but he had his golden hand and there was a chance that not every soldier knew about his alleged treason. If he showed them his hand to prove his identity, they might let him in after all. It was a risk he had to take.


	2. Two

_Author's Note:_

_Thank you to everyone who followed the story or added it to their favorites! It took me longer to translate (since I started writing this for myself in german) than I thought so I actually divided chapter Two into two parts... I hope that's okay and sorry again if my English isn't that great. I also chose that Unsullied were the one to catch Jaime initially, since the Northmen should be able to recognize him even without his golden hand... also, I felt forced to address the issue that Sansa had surely noticed that Jaime had left and I'm sure she wouldn't have just stood by without taking any action.._

* * *

Jaime never managed to get close to even one of the side entrances. He had planned to ride through a very small forest Northeast of King's Landing at nightfall, hoping to ride around the outer lines of Daenerys' armies, but as soon as he reached the trees, armed man emerged out of the bushes. Jaime immediately recognized their armor; they were Unsullied. They shouted at him in Valyrian and Jamie hold up his hands to show them he wasn't armed.

"What you doing, why you here?", an Unsullied with a nasty scar on his neck called aggressively in the common tongue, while two of the others marched up to Jaime and took Widow's Wail off the belt on his waist. One of them lit up a torch and held it up so Jaime could feel the heat on his cheek.

"I… I'm just traveling through", Jaime said and held his breath when one of the Unsullied inspected Widow's Wail in the light of the torch and began to chatter flutteringly. Jaime didn't speak Valyrian but it was obvious they recognized that it was a Valyrian sword. Did the Unsullied know that only very few rich families owed swords made of Valyrian steel? Did any of them remember him from Winterfell? He only knew one Unsullied by name, Grey Worm, but Jaime wasn't sure he would even recognize him under those helmets they wore.

It was apparent that the men didn't know what to do with him. Jaime could only guess but he didn't think they were supposed to kill an innocent person who had the bad luck of riding into them. However, considering he had a Valyrian sword with him and they were in the middle of a war he might actually be in a lot of trouble now.

The man who had spoken to him before said something to the others and suddenly the men started searching through his stuff. "Come down", said the man and when Jaime climbed off the horse his right glove got caught in the reins for a second and it lipped out of place a few centimeters. It was then that the one who was closest to Jaime's side saw the golden shimmer in the torch light.

The man shouted something in Valyrian and then the others began shouting too. Jaime felt his cheeks turning scarlet. He should have taken the hand off, how could he have been so careless? Would it help him, now that they seemed to remember him, or not?

"Come", said the Unsullied with the scar and Jaime tried to hold onto the little hope he had still left. If they brought him to the camp, maybe Tyrion would be there and… and then what? Jaime knew that Daenerys didn't trust him and Jon Snow possibly didn't either… They would think he came back to fight for his sister again and disclose inside information of Daenerys' battle plans that he didn't even know anything about. Even if he told them he would be there to get Cersei to surrender or even… kill her, nobody would believe him. He couldn't blame them. He didn't even believe himself fully either.

Also, he didn't full-heartedly want Daenerys to win either. He had seen what she was able to do, he had known her father and been tormented by him for too many months… Jaime would never want a Targaryen back on the Iron Throne but he neither wanted his sister to sit on it. Ever since Cersei had claimed the throne after Tommen's apparent suicide, she had become more bitter, colder and harsher, even to him. The Iron Throne was like a disease, bringing the worst out of anyone who put their ass on it.

The Unsullied marched Jaime through the outline of the woods until they reached the first tents after a few minutes of walking. They had their spears on him all the way and didn't let him out of their sight. When they arrived in the camp Jaime could see Dothraki and Northmen as well as more Unsullied. He flinched when he heard that some of the Northmen began shouting "It's the Kingslayer", their angry words spreading fast throughout the camp. He had fought beside them just a few weeks ago but it didn't seem to count for much.

A few of the women and maybe a handful of men back in Winterfell had seemed to have put aside their hate for him, the bad and evil Lannister, and even thought of him as a hero who had helped them against the Dead. However, those who had left with Daenerys and Jon only a few days after the battle never really had any chance to speak to him and appreciate it in any way. Jaime was also sure that a few of the men who had treated him with disgust then and now had also been part of Robb Stark's army and had therefore fought against him all those years ago.

The Unsullied lead him to a slightly bigger tent, where a Northman watched them approach with narrowed eyes. The man looked slightly familiar and after coming up closer Jaime was quite sure he had been commanding one of the troops in the Battle of Winterfell. "He was in the woods, he is from you?", the Unsullied asked the man who looked at Jaime with blatant disgust. He grabbed Jaime's right hand, pulled off the glove and hold it up so that everyone could see. "This is the fucking Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister", the man told the Unsullied, who seemed to recognize the family name. "Lannister…", he growled and added something in Valyrian. Thereafter the other Unsullied wielded their spears threateningly and glared at him.

"What are you doing here?", asked the Northman and signaled the Unsullied to lower their spears. "We were told you stayed in Winterfell."

Jaime could see that the man distrusted him.

"Is… is my brother here? The hand of … the queen?"

Jaime had chosen his words wisely and hoped that it would seem as if he considered Daenerys his queen. At first, he had wanted to say "Queen Daenerys", but Brienne had told him that the Northman had difficulties accepting her as their queen, so he didn't really know what words would be wise to choose.

"You mean the dwarf?", the man said and brought his face close to Jaime's. "I don't know where he is and I don't care."

"Is Jon Snow here then?", Jaime asked and tried to hide both his anger and fear. He didn't really know why he asked for Jon but he hadn't been unfriendly to him in Winterfell, despite everything that had happened between the Starks and the Lannisters.

"He left to see the dragon queen a few days ago", the man said."

"And… where is that?"

"I don't think this is any of your business", spat the man and glared at him angrily. "What do you want here, Kingslayer?"

"I… I wanted to speak to my brother", Jaime lied but it was clear the man didn't believe him.

"A raven from Winterfell arrived last week", said the man viciously and spat at Jaime's feet, "it said that you were gone and we should keep an eye out."

Jaime felt as if the man had gutted him in the stomach. Certainly Sansa would have found out that he had left. He didn't believe for one second that Brienne thought he would betray them in a way that could hurt the North and rat him out to Sansa, but he had seen the Stark lady at least every morning and evening and had even exchanged a few words with her whenever he happened to be close to Brienne when Sansa sought her out. His absence couldn't have gone unnoticed and even if Brienne didn't speak badly of him, Sansa still wouldn't have taken the chances of him actually showing up here and be right back at joining the Lannister forces to fight against her brother and her men. He hadn't even really spoken to Brienne about how bad things had been when he had left his sister and Sansa wouldn't know that Cersei had sent Bronn to kill him. Still, he had told her, Jon and Daenerys about Cersei's betrayal and that she had both the Iron Fleet and the Golden Company on her side. Didn't this count for anything?

"I'm not here to hurt any of you-", Jaime began but the man didn't care or listen. "Tell your… I mean, tell THE queen that we've captured Jaime Lannister", he told the Unsullied who nodded and, after a few words in Valyrian to his other Unsullied, left immediately. Where was Daenerys, if she wasn't here? Dragonstone, probably, since that was where they were heading for after leaving Winterfell.

"You have to listen…", Jaime said impatiently when he realized the Unsullied wanted to lead him away, but the Northman spat at Jaime's feet again. "I'm not listening to fucking Lannister scam", he shouted and the other northern men who stood by cheered loudly. He gave Jaime one last disgusted look and rushed back inside his tent.

Jaime was left no choice as to march with the Unsullied through rows of tents. They came by even more Northmen and foreign fighters from other regions in Westeros who seemed to have sworn their support to Daenerys. If Jaime hadn't known that Cersei had at least as many numbers of fighters, if not more, he wouldn't have thought that she had any chance of winning. Daenerys still had one dragon left though and Jaime knew what damage it could do.

After a walk of about 10 minutes the Unsullied shoved Jaime into a small tent used for storage, situated at the outline of the camp. This would definitely be an advantage in a possible escape; he might be able to slip out without being seen. The Unsullied forced him down to the middle wooden pole of the tent and exchanged a few Valyrian words. What were they discussing? Jaime got an idea when one of the Unsullied grabbed his right arm and he groaned. He had actually hoped they would bind his hands, since he would have been able to take off the golden hand with his good hand after only a few minutes of struggle. It would have been easy to wriggle out of any chain or rope after that, but apparently the soldiers weren't so stupid after all. One of them left the tent and after a few minutes returned with something that made Jaime's stomach turn. It was a collar chain and he had a sudden flashback to all those months when he had been Robb's prisoner. The days he had spent in that cage had been as uncomfortable and humiliating as they had been cold and wet. Jaime sometimes still wondered how he had survived the whole ordeal without getting seriously sick or losing his mind, but he had gotten through it… But now he was right back where he had been all those years ago, being held captive in the camp of – at least partly – Northerners, chained up like a dog.

Jaime knew better than to put up a fight though. He had seen the Unsullied fight. They outnumbered him five to one and he was a one-handed cripple without any weapon. He flinched when they closed the cold iron collar around his neck and fixed the chain to the wooden pole. It wasn't too tight but the collar was thick and heavy and he immediately felt the familiar angsty feeling of choking.

Jaime waited until the Unsullied had all left his tent before he started fumbling with the collar. He didn't dare to turn around and try to peek out of the layers of the tent entrance, but he was certain that they hadn't left him unguarded. The chain clinked and Jaime tried to fight down the memories that took him right back to Robb's camp as a shiver ran down his spine.

After two nights Jaime had lost almost all hope. At first, he had tried to see the bright side of things: at least his arms were free this time, he had been brought a chamber pot, he could lie down if he stayed close to the pole and he had a small fire to warm him. There were no eyes watching him every second of the day and he didn't have rain soaking him all through every other night. Also, the battle hadn't started yet or he would have heard movement around him and – he was sure of it – shouting and screaming from the battlefield. The gate and walls weren't so far away and he had fought in enough battles to know how loud they could get.

After two days and a few attempts of opening the chains around his neck or freeing it from the wooden post, Jaime had given up on escaping though. He had managed to keep a cool head at Robb's camp and had never shown any weakness towards his captors, but back then he had had his arrogance and sarcasm to help him keep up his guard and to provide him from showing any weakness. However, that part of him had vanished with the loss of his sword-hand. Also, thinking of Cersei didn't help him keep a clear head anymore, quite the opposite, and thinking of Brienne hurt too much. There was nothing to go back to after it would all be over. If Cersei lost, he would neither see her nor Brienne again and die at the hands of the dragon queen. If Daenerys lost, he would probably be killed by the Lannister army or by order of Cersei herself. Or by Northmen, if they returned to the camp before being all wiped out.

Jaime could feel despair rising up inside him. He had failed everyone. Brienne, Tyrion, Cersei, his children, his father, even the people of King's Landing if the inevitable happened. Everything he could do now was sit on his ass and drown in his self-loathing, thinking of the life he could have had with Brienne if the circumstances had been different.


End file.
